Sexual Games – Knowing the Stakes

So I was thinking, dear reader, how about you and I cut the cards and if you lose, you have to perform a sexual act of my choice, and if I lose, then I perform one of your choice?

This is an example of a sexual game played for dares, or forfeits. I’ve been a bit obsessed with them this month, and I’ve played a number of them both online, and in the lounge room over a few drinks. Although a range of different games and challenges work well, I want to talk today just about the stakes, being the sexual acts that get performed.

Dares and Forfeits

Lets consider the example above. How would you feel if I really made that offer to you? What exactly does “sexual act of my choice” mean? Generally speaking, we can feel fairly safe about this because we trust the other person to request a sexual act which is risque, but not too confronting, because no doubt they are aware that although we’ve agreed to play the game by the rules, in practice we can just refuse to perform the act.

In my experience, the problem wish such games isn’t that the dares are too confronting. Quite the opposite. Unless you happen to be playing with particularly sexually dominant people, I find that people are often more embarrassed by thinking of dares than they are by performing them. This seems to be true even with fairly kinky groups of people.

The problem is one of politeness. If I lose the game and get dared to perform a sexual act, then I don’t have to feel impolite by doing so. I’m just following the game rules. However, if I have to issue the dare, then suddenly I have a world of choice, and I become worried about going a bit too far. Lets say that you lost our little card cutting game, and now I must think of a dare for you? How much flirting have we done already? Should I ask you to show me your nipples, or fuck yourself with a cucumber in the McDonalds drive through? If I picked the latter, would I come across as a total sleaze for misjudging the sexual energy of the current situation?

The solution to this problem seems to be to know the stakes up front. Rather than just agreeing to “a sexual act of my choice”, how about you and I decide in advance which sexual acts we’re going to stake on this cut of the cards. I tried this recently with a girl I met online. We took some time to stop and talk about what sort of dares we wanted to pick. The goal was to find something that was confronting enough to make sure that neither of us really wanted to lose the game, while not being something that we couldn’t bring ourselves to do at all. Also, it remained important to ensure that the dares were titillating to the darer.

You can treat this a bit like haggling. Start with an opening offer, and see where things go from there.

“You want me to flash my tits at a passing truck? Yeah, well only if I get to fuck you with a strap-on”

“There’s no way that a strap-on is the same as a flash. Maybe if we make it five trucks, and you have to stand there and wave with your top half totally naked.”

You get the idea.

Now, when we play the game, we know what the stakes are. We can enjoy the flirtatious competition ahead of us. If we’ve gotten ourselves worked up by thinking of all these kinky acts, a nice drawn out competition that actually involves skill as well us just chance can work really well. The game that I played online used scrabble, on facebook. I wonder if those facebook folks know how many kinky thinks you can use their site for.

(Photo above used with permission, from our game of scrabble. No credit given for privacy reasons)


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"Building the Sex" is a blog about creatively using technology to enrich our sex and fantasy lives.

Craig is a professional software developer, and the creator of Playful Bent, an adult social network.

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